Dear Teething Fairy,
Firstly I’d like to say fuck you. You are a cruel bastard. I’m 99% sure that you are also receiving substantial endorsements from either panadol or nurofen. Well you are probably receiving payments from both. Therefore, you are also a greedy bastard.
Secondly, I do understand giving teeth to babies because at least they don’t remember the awful pain of teething. However, it’s also a catch 22 becasue as a parent we remember it. Clearly.
To be fair my children have all coped pretty well with teething. However my first developed a fungal infection from the sheer amount of drool pouring out of his mouth. My second seemed to get them all through at once and then took to biting. Once he bit my sister on the inner thigh. That was #awkward for all involved. My third, my daughter, has been shitting up to her shoulders. Literally. I’m not sure if the boys tackle holds more shit in place but I’m leaning towards saying that it must. I’ve actually just taken to throwing out her suits rather scrubbing the shit out. (I’ll leave my bank details for a reimbursement). Lets not even get started on the nappy rash.
Thirdly, whilst I really do love a babies complexion whilst they are teething (those rosy cheeks get me everytime) but why does it need to be dragged out? Surely they can just pop up quickly and not slowly. Especially seeming to mostly come through OVER NIGHT. Yes, thank you for that one. There is nothing better than months of agonising screams at random times of the night. I’m not good with broken sleep. My husband will attest to that. Those random screams actually scare the shit out of me. I hope to god we never get broken into. We would be screwed if we relied on my bravery.
Last and but not least can you let your bitch of a cousin the tooth fairy know we also will not be friends and could s/he possibly reduce the rate of a tooth. I have 3.5 children and 60 million teeth to pay for…
Lots of love,
Tanya and the parents of the world
Ps I’m also sure you’ve gone into business with Sophie the Giraffe’s maker. I’m onto you. Well played though. Well played. #hellocashcow