Do you ever know if you’re ‘done’…?

Yesterday my husband had a vasectomy. He is 27. Poor bastard. However I am currently sitting here 33 weeks pregnant with our fourth child which could be potentially born on our eldest upcoming 4th birthday. Today makes me feel like we made the right decision. However when I was dropping him to hospital I had to quickly ask if we wanted anymore. WTF. Ummm no we don’t. Well I don’t want to grow anymore anyways.

 

This prompted me to think about if I truly felt ‘done’. I had previously asked Daniel whether he did. His response was “I’m not sure I’ll ever be sure of that”. Lovely yes but he is not the one with the vagina. However, to be honest, he does more mothering than I do. Especially with newborns. I express and he bottle feeds the babies. He is a lot nicer tired than me.

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When I was little I had always envisioned having 2 children and adopting a child. I’m not entirely sure why I have always wanted to adopt but it was engrained in me. Perhaps this is why I became a Child Protection worker. Who knows. However I never envisioned that I would have more than 2 pregnancies. Even throughout my second pregnancy I constantly would say that this is it. However as soon as I had a second son I knew I wanted another baby. Just one more try for a girl. This was easy to get from Dan because he always wanted three. We had a ‘whoops’ with number three. I was attempting to track my ovulation to increase our chances of a girl. We were incredibly fortunate to not only have a healthy baby but a baby girl. We found out her gender at 15 weeks. I didn’t quite believe my scans until I actually had her in my arms. With this again I thought I would be ‘done’. Yet I didn’t feel like I was. Daniel was a little more reluctant with the idea of 4 especially given the current situation with his job. However again another ‘whoops’ occurred. I knew instantly I was pregnant. Yet this pregnancy I was actually the most excited about. I’m not sure why. I guess I knew that this would be the last?

 

Yet this prompted me to want to really enjoy this last pregnancy. I haven’t though. To be honest I don’t love being pregnant. I really wish I did but I don’t. I feel terrible in saying that especially because I have relatively easy pregnancies and I clearly have no issues falling pregnant. This one I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism but it is easily treated and well-managed so no other complaints. It makes me feel awful when so many people struggle to get pregnant and have awful pregnancies yet I’m sitting here complaining because my vagina is swollen.

 

Whilst sitting here writing with Daniel next to me icing his balls I can 95% confidently say that I feel done. I am glad we made the decision to have his vasectomy done whilst I was pregnant to ensure that we wouldn’t change our minds. I know that I have enough love to give more children I just honestly don’t think I would have the time for anymore. In the most selfish way I miss my body, my brain and most of all me. Maybe that is the strongest signal that I am finished with baby making?

 

When did you know that you were ‘done’ or do you ever really know?

 

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Processed with VSCO with s2 preset

Processed with VSCO with s2 preset

 

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